A person learns a lot after loosing a lot. I have to urge to write, I’ve been so I don’t even know a word to really call it. Maybe muddled and upset with my life and decisions i’ve made. I know we all make mistakes. But it seems I can’t let mine go. I dated a boy for 3 years. Since I was in my seventeens. It wasn’t really all public because he was a few years younger than I. I guess I just didn’t care for anyone to know. But I spent every moment with him. I never gave him credit for everything he truly did for me. I never made known to everyONE how much he meant to me. I look back now, and regret never making us “public”. Some people knew but no one ever really knew how real things were. He made everything right, anything that went wrong he always had a solution too. He calmed me down and made a way for things to be better & happier. It was so easy and simple when he was around we did everything together. He would stay at my house almost every night of the week, he would sneak in my room just to lay with me until I fell asleep. When I was afraid he held me close and prayed for me. Anything I ever needed it was mine the second I mentioned it. Never was there a day that went by that I didn’t feel treated like a princess. Of course there were days that weren’t all happy and dandy. We had our issues just like anyone. We learned what it was like to yell and fight like married couples. I would get jealous over small silly things and slam doors in his face to piss him off because I knew just how much he hated it. But every phone call I hung up on and every door slam he got, he would always be right on the other side of the door waiting for me to open it. I loved to shop and try things on, even know most of the time I didn’t ever buy anything. He would come with me and tell me everything looked perfect, even though he hated shopping. He knew everything about me, he knew every mole & every gross wart I had, and loved them. he knew my body inside and out, like nobody had. he would do anything absolutely anything to put a smile on my face, because he loved my smile. and my eyes, everyday he would tell me i’m beautiful. Sadly, I started tuning him out when he told me I was beautiful, i would just blow it off I begin to pull away. things he did for me I stopped noticing. I was tired of waiting. For him to grow up. I started flirting with other guys, that took my attention over. I was being blinded by my own selfishness. I literally am crying right now writing this. Never would I ever have thought 3 years ago when I fell in love with one of my favorite people on this planet Kade William George, that this is where we would have ended up. We don’t speak now, I have dated a few people since then that haven’t been anything serious. And he is dating someone. Everything is just coming down on me now. I wake up just in tears, I dream about him all the time. There isn’t a day or even an hour that goes by without him on my mind. And I don’t know some part of me maybe is hoping he might see this and see how I feel. I wish I could squeeze you and kiss you and tell you how sorry i am for everything. I truly have never been more upset at myself about anything. Then letting you go. And i know i can’t do anything now, and i know God is faithful. and knows the desires of our heart. and has a plan I just wish i could tell you how sorry I am. I fell in love with you once, and honestly after all this time your still the one I wake up thinking about. I don’t know if I will ever truly fall out of love with you. I miss you and just want the world to know. Because every day was perfect with you, and I’m sorry I never made it more obvious before.
whats on my mind 4/20.14 8:49 pm
i love you Kade.
— F. Scott Fitzgerald (via observando)